Here's the news:

• Pilot Whales Really Do Not Want to Go Back In, by Muhammed Goldberg

  Pilot whales beached again on the beaches of Lieutenant’s Island in an effort to, as their spokesman put it, "Get out of the goddamn water already."

• War of Words Turns Into War of Fingers, by Alvin G. McGillicuddy

  In a meeting to confront South Korea’s alleged violation of North Korean waters, North Korean foreign minister Paek Nam Sun avoided turning to violence, instead releasing his anger in the form of the middle finger.

• FBI Wants Polygraphical Politicians, by Bobby McEnroe

  "What's the FBI trying to do, prove the honesty of politicians? Hehe, yeah, and I want to eat my weight in cocktail weiners," said Weight- Watcher Vernon O'Neally.