Oil Found On Mars

Mars- Early today, earthling scientists discovered oil on Mars. Mars, or “Martes,” as many Hispanic-Americans know it, is most notably associated with its numerous interplanetary wars with the earth, particularly those documented in HG Wells’s War of the Worlds and Tim Burton’s Mars Attacks!

The discovery of oil under Mars’s tropical and uninhabitable crust was made by Yale grad and NASA scientist Marvin Yaldovsky. Yaldovsky credits his interest in astronomy to the fact that he would do most anything that didn’t include “those damn singers that aren’t accompanied by instruments.” Clearly, this lack of music appreciation is deplorable, but don’t blame me: I’m just reporting the facts.

This meant little to leading world leaders. Although many unpatriotic Democrats have criticized George “Ha-ha I’m president even though I make State of the Union Addresses aimed at 10-year-olds” W. Bush’s record, many of the countries problems have been solved thanks to his bold order to take to the skies.

“Now we finally have a place where we can throw out all our clean air and water,” Bush stated, alluding to his less-than-perfect environmental policy in the past.

Many news analysts also point out that the war in Iraq is now obsolete because of the oil, but not enough casualties have occurred yet in Iraq for Bush to order the troops out.

In other news, Democratic candidate and Vermont Governor Howard Dean went insane, attempting to recite the 50 states and threatening to send Bush “back to Crawford Texas.” Little did the ignorant governor realize that Bush already spent ¾ of his presidency on vacation time in his ranch in Crawford.